I think I have a face that says “Take all your frustrations and anger out on me because that’s what I am, a punching bag.”

Gonna go to sleep now because life is just too tiring and depressing. 

It’s been a while. I went back to writing in my diary but for this, my thoughts are a little too many and a little too complicated to hand-write them all down. 

Where do I even start. This month has been hard. It has literally sapped all the energy from me, both physically and mentally. I’ve spent most of my time at hospitals and funerals, more than anyone would like. And I’m tired. So tired I just want to curl up in a ball and never come out so that I never have to face this world and all the horrors that come with it. 

Lucinda died. I watched her take her last breath. It was peaceful. And as I watched her, I thought, if I had to die this would be the way to go. Time to say my goodbyes, time to forgive, time to profess my love, even to those whom I’d fought with and to those who might not love me back. And yet as I watched her, I told myself never to live a life like hers. I didn’t know her very well, but from what I could tell, it was a lonely life. She hardly had any friends, and she hardly had any family; or at least family that would talk to her. I don’t think I’m angry with her anymore, I managed to let go of that. But seeing how her siblings fought even on her deathbed, I just felt pity. For her and everyone else in that family. I will never understand how people who grew up together, brought up by the same parents and living in the same conditions can morph into such different humans. Most of them bitter, lonely, selfish and unsatisfied. 

That was the first one. The first death. Then Auntie Diana had a heart attack. Then Koufu had heart pain. On the same day. Went to the hospital again. Auntie Elaine’s mother-in-law died. Funeral. Second one in 2 weeks. Fede’s mum died. That was real sudden. She had a fall, then a blood clot formed in her brain, and she passed away 2 days later. And today, che che’s boyfriend was shot dead in Philippines. Three bullets. They’d been together for 8 years. He’d sent her a letter and a SIM card a few weeks before. I remember how happy she was when she received it. She showed it to me, it was written in tagalog so I couldn’t understand it, but at the end he’d told her he loves her. Correction: he loved her. They’d planned to get married once her contract here was over next year. 

You’d think death gets easier along the way, especially given all the experiences I’v e had. But it doesn’t. I never know what to say to comfort people. Never. I got the call when I was in ION with my friends. I rushed back home, and when I saw her crying her heart out I didn’t know what to say. I just held her. And when she told me she was fine, I told her “No you’re not. You cry all you want.” I didn’t say anything after that. When she told me, “I can’t believe it. I just talked to him yesterday,” I still didn’t say anything. What do you say to someone when they tell you something like that? I want so bad to know what to say and what to do to ease their pain. If I could transfer some of their pain to me, I’d do it. At school, I’ve always been the one people turn to for help and advice. When projects are failing, I always know what our next step should be, no matter how much everyone else is panicking. But today, I felt useless. Just as I felt useless every single time someone around me got hurt or died or fell ill. 

When Lucinda was in the hospital, in all the times that I visited her, I never touched her, not once. I didn’t even want to visit her, and no one in my family would force me. I think it’s because they thought that I was still angry. I didn’t even know the reason then. But now, I think it’s because I didn’t want to get close to her. I was afraid that seeing her, touching her would make me care. And I thought, why do that when she has an expiry date? One that’s fast approaching. 

Today, mummy said that the doctor told her she has osteoarthritis. Degenerative hip, back and knee. If something happens to her I think I’ll collapse. But I’ve been fighting with her so much lately. I don’t even know what we’re fighting about. It’s like she’s picking on me every chance she gets. Daddy keeps telling me to apologize but I don’t know what I’m apologizing for or who I’m apologizing for. Why are we even fighting at this time when everyone around me is dying? I don’t know why everyone goes around thinking we’re invisible, thinking we have all the time in the world when really, we could disappear any moment, without a trace that we ever existed. Maybe, we start dying the moment we are born.

Busy busy busy. Term three is ending. I hardly noticed it passed. I feel like It should still be January. I remember the first day of school this year. “like it was yesterday” such a cliched phrase but in this case it really feels like that. Eoys are coming haven’t started studying. Oh well. Mum bought a new car. There goes my uni education. But it’s nice though. A6. :)